Today was a very bad day for my social networks; I am retunring a smartphone which is disfunctioning, I can’t cope with finding a code to put Whatsapp active, on my older phone, dunno why I don’t have any connection on my other phone, I wanted to upgrade my WordPress to Premium, in order to change layout, but I noticed that in fact you have to pay as well, so I asked to cancel my payment, and my website went down, for couple of hours, finally Paypal rejected also another payment, which I never subscribed….
Well, I promise that I was exhausted and overwhelmed, with all this social stuff, but it was worth it … I could finally take a break !!!!!
I went outdoor for a walk, in nature, 19 degrees, is not bad, with tiny sunshine, and a few dogs on the way… of course Spotify wasn’t loading, so I disconnected, and reconnected to mindful walking. Aha moment 🙂
My work here is going to evolve and I want to put at first subjects like empathy, HSP, dark night of the soul, coping with ptsd….. I need to reorganize this buzz.
If I can get more pro, I will. In any case, this yoga lesson was exactly what I need, deep stretching, and breathing ……
Yoga is a way to become a light. It’s not the fact to smile all the time all around. I guess it’s more like this morning, when I was on my way to work, and first the guy who is cleaning the road, said “hello”. And I returned back his “bonjour” of course. Nicely.
Then second guy (another black), at the Security gate who said “You are a kind person, it’s obvious”. Ok, thank you. You, too. Smile, again. Cool.
Third, the bus driver, an older man, quite charming, who just hesitated to leave the bus stop, to have a small talk with me. He asked me if I choosed to work on the weekend days, of course, I haven’t. By accident, I am working all weekends because I am a single lady and no children at charge and I am the unique person in the service to accept regular schedules on the weekend days. So, what? I am also the unique person to take public transportation, and it’s strike time ( one month is enough guys ).
Btw I don’t like complaining, it’s not healthy, so if you don’t like a situation fight or leave.
So, yes, become a light to me sounds like that. When people around you are attracted and come to you smiling and peaceful. And I love it.
Is it yoga? Is it this powerful feeling to finally manifest what i have been going through during couple of last years? During all life? Perhaps.
Breeze, Stretch then, and …
** Shine **
When I started this blog and did my research on the topic, I believed that I I would talk about different kinds of traumas, except one, rape. While “Me too” movement is spreading around the globe, I admit this subject scares me just to think about. Sexual harassements are quite familiar as far as I am a Lady and have been growing up in a macho culture like Italy, from 80s to 2000. Unfortunate encounters on a deserted street, in the early morning, with a drug addict who put his pants off, and tried to take my hand in order to touch his nudity, at 18. He was so into drugs, and perhaps alchool, that it was very simple to push him away and run. This event impressed much. Of course, my mum came with me to the Police Station in order to report, with no consequences.
At 14, I was walking on a sidewalk, in a blue fashionable mini skirt, when a man on a car stopped right beside me, on the street, and opened the car door to let me in. Nobody around. I just kept walking and arrived safe at work (babysitting). But it took me a long time before I put on a skirt again. Except if a man was with me. My grandmother used to yell at me if I wore one when going for a visit to granddad’s house. Mary Quant was british. Actually, I can’t say that my education was that strict, but catholic oriented, for sure.
At primary school I remember so well how I could gain boys respect beating them. Once they took me in four against one, two gripped my feet, the others tried to block my hands, even though they were joking, I felt in a real danger, and I became such a fury. They never tried again. Yes, I very proudly kicked their ass.
Back to today, fortunately I live in a safe area, despite the surrounding Parisian suburbs and their teen gangster bands reality. The fact that I am no more a teen helps my sense of boldness, of course. Going gray has got its advantage, and tae kwon do and self defense make me feeling more secure and self confident. Also Yoga, believe it or not, makes you stronger.
What if you were 16, today, and two guys of your class took a picture of you in a sexy attitude, and started to blackmail to get sexual favours by threats of publishing your photo on Facebook. What if they endured this deal for months, and you fear so much anybody finding out, especially your parents, mates and teachers. It’s happening now, in a small village nearby, she is a school mate of my colleague’s daughter, and her 16 yo girl is also involved and starting feeling guilty. In addition, the father of the victim, put part of the responsability on her. “If you only told me”. “See, what kind of guys are you hanging up with?” Part of the worry of the girl was her father’s reaction. She knew that he would take action against the two guys. Because they are so young I guess that french law will not take it very much seriously. The Policeman agreed with my colleague, if it was him, he wouldn’t go to any Police Station, but he would solve the problem his way.
Now, I voluntarily, omit details, but what I want to say is this. These girls will take a whole life to recover, of course, and there are more who are in the story. The fact is simple. Consider your teenage time, … do you remember the first time you found out porn stuff? My age, I was a little girl, when I found a comic with porn drawings, in black and white. It was in the backyard of the primary school, I was shocked and I remember that scary feeling like something really bad, dirty and dangerous could happen to me.
The very first hot movies started in 80s, at least, from the american movie making, with the erotic romantic comedy with Kim Basinger, “Nine weeks and a half”. Starring with a young, bold and beautiful Mickey Rourke at his early career.
This image was iconic and although I never watched this movie, the soundtrack spot “You can leave your hat on” is still there. In 1986 I was only 12. Time to wake up in a romantic meaning. By the way, that stuff of being sexy didn’t appeal me at all. As tomboy, boyscout and volleyball/soccer player, sure prince charming was already my obsession but in a despair. A shy girl who liked timid boys. Go away.
Sexuality spread on tv screen not earlier than a certain late hour (midnight?). Until a tv melting blob popped up all trash scenes from movies at 8 pm while having dinner with my family.
Let’s move in a quick time lapse from 90s to today.
Did you recognize it? My hairdresser was reading this cult book and told me about fans writing sequels of similar soft sexy novels ( one reason why I’ve started doing my hair by my self lol ). “Fifty shades of grey.”
— Underscoring the discrepancies in social mores throughout Europe, “Fifty Shades of Grey” was judged much more strictly in the U.K., where the movie has been given an “18” certification for “unusual behavior and graphic nudity.”
In France, however, teenagers will get to see the movie, which features numerous sex scenes. In fact, Jean-François Mary, who presides over the French ratings board, said “Fifty Shades of Grey” was nothing more than a “romance.”
“It’s really a romance, we could even call it a bleuette — a sentimental tale,” said Mary of the board’s decision to allow adolescent moviegoers into the movie.
The Gallic board even considered not restricting the movie for audiences under 12, according to Premiere magazine. “The director handled the sex scenes very skillfully and limited them to the bare minimum. It’s more the subject itself, this SM relationship, which pushed us to restrict the movie for audiences under 12.” —
Shall I add something?
Yes, …one of my fave Ted Talks ever.
Yesterday, it was my birthday, and while in southern France we lost another Iraq vet, Arnaud Beltrame, in a sort of pointless attack to a supermarket, who swapped with a lady, in order to do his job, and then lost his life after injuries, I sent a message to Dan Nevins. And I mentioned that it’s my honour to promote his mission as warrior to help other human beings to heal.
Here is his reply: “Hi Anto! You’re welcome to include my story Thank you! ”
He called me like friends usually do. Shall I tell you more about how I feel? It is a honour for me to spread out his message. Not only to vets, but whoever is suffering from PTSD.
My unique experience with a french Afghanistan vet wasn’t lucky. He was 29, a nice guy with spanish origins, who was very much likely to feel shell shock. We met just once, and then chatting almost during two years, and never met again. He lived in Paris, and I felt like we were living overseas from each other. His early pictures were quite different from his last pics, after he spent 4 years in the army, as helicopter sniper.
We crossed our path during 2015 attacks, and I thought he would be my hero, but he definetely couldn’t. Nobody’s fault. Self-growth is not suitable to anybody.
Never mind, this post is really meant to focus on who still give a damn to humbly seek for help and want to rehabilitate back from any war missions. And that’s all I want to say about it.
The PTSD Beautiful Trauma Project was born in France, in 2018, after 3 years from terrorist attacks to the “Charlie Hebdo Magazine” Board Office. Despite not being an activist, neither politically, nor labour councillor, I felt soon concerned and, in fact, I was. They say that, if you want to grow and evolve, in a lifetime, you get what you need, and not what you want. This was my case.
After multiple and unfortunate events, in Paris suburbs (2015), I woke up from burn out one mild day in mid-September, and I finally began my journey with struggling with PTSD as trauma survivor.
The social, both personal and professional, context I have been through this Parisian terror season, not only put me in a diseased mental health condition, but also forced me to a life-changing transformation. Understanding, first, talking and taking actions, in the aftermath, were the only way to move forward.
Today, although, my work position is still in progress, as well as my emotional, physical and psychological state, my Body/Mind Health and Wellbeing are developing and improving one day at time. Panic attacks are over. Anger is a best friend of mine. Finally, I could find my purpose, and stick into my big dreams and life goals.
One side, the technique of Self-Discovery, thanks to the professional help of a kind lady, from the Occupational Psychologist Service, led me to a process of looking at my own identity, and therefore finding my True Self (Empathic and Highly Sensitive). On another side, my personal journey with PTSD recover was a chance to explore my potential, gifts and spiritual Path.
What could I ask more from a tragic event, and a chaos state of mind, other than survival? This project and my present life driving’s force speak out loud.
A couple of valuable aims will be sharing my personal tips about coping with PTSD, and ultimately, co-creating a community around Mental Health awareness, as well as Common Values.
Motto: What goes around comes around
We are all related.
If you agree, we – as human beings – were born to be a whole, balanced, and strongindividuals. Greek philosophers, and physicians, say that the natural state of things is calm and, sophrology – the science that studies the Consciousness – promotes body, mind and spirit harmony (SOS = free from diseases, balances. PHREN = diaphragm, emotional heart and by extension, spirit, conscience. LOGOS = Science, study, speech).
So, naturally, PTSD occur as a consequence of a lack of it. The fact is that you don’t realize at which cost, until your life becomes a mess, when you finally admit that something has broken, and you need help to fix it. It can be a physical wound, or invisible, when it concerns heart and soul, or if you are blessed enough, as brits would say, both.
Before 2015, I used to practice Yoga, once a week, basically to keep healthy, in a good shape and mood, it was relaxing, and I could fully stretch my body, especially my neck, happily turning 40.
After the 2015 events (january and november), I got completely unbalanced, both emotionally, and physically, put on weight, panic attacks, anger outbursts, no way to do my job anymore, like dealing with typical visitors problem solving (e.g. lost baggages, fully booked restaurants,..), or simply baring mood swings of my bipolar colleague. As soon as someone started crying or yelling for any reason, my self defense felt in danger (“that freeze, fly or fight thing”).
In february 2016, I was diagnosed obviously inadequate to my position, until today.
For the short storytime, I knew panic and fear on a terrorist attack at workplace and PTSD soon started with insomnia, poor emotional intelligence like Hulk’s syndrome, inability to put words on my own feelings, anxiety and fear of going crazy, exhaustion and chronique fatigue disease, after sleep burn out, tremors (mouth, legs, hands), tachycardia, and memory loss, just to mention a few. Others symptoms you can’t just describe, like a sort of electrochemical pinching in your veins, especially in legs, or warmth flames in the back, which give you the right sense of burning inside.
“A short circuit of your soul.”
It goes without saying, my health was severely damaged, as you know stress is quite dangerous for neurons, once they are gone, they don’t regenerate, so you start aging earlier, that’s also why, today, it’s not so rare to see stress effects in people who suffer Alzheimer’s syndrom much younger than 60, or stroke and heartattack victims.
By the way, I lost three colleagues between 27 and 43, in 5 months, does it count for stress disorders statistiques? Of course, it doesn’t, except if you can prove it. And you can’t. Occupational joke between Medicine and Managament states that it’s confidential.
During my journey, back from burn out, I have been told several times that this is the illness of the strong. And this is one of the main reasons why I feel a proud trauma survivor, today. Of course, you have to consider a deep cleaning of your personal life, as well as a full transformation of your jobcareer and lifestyle.
You can’t figure out coping with PTSD and holding on the same life schedule than before trauma. It involves stop overthinking, letting go, and modulating negative emotional responses compared with the healthy controls.
“You need some yoga in your life.”
Yoga practice really made a difference for me. It brought “justice” to my body and mind, especially since I am doing it regularly, almost everyday.
Check out Ted Nevins’s story “a soldier’s surprising journey to becoming a yogi” on the following: Warrior Spirit Retreat
Thanks to a welsh penpal, and army brit, nicknamed Salad Dodger, my attention was caught by an association for Combat Stress, and reading an article I was quite shocked, because some of my burn out symptoms were perfectly matching with war vets PTSD, after battlefield.
This study led me to another article written from the american journalist, Sebastian Junger, published by Vanity Fair, who experienced PTSD on his way back from Afghanistan, where he spent 15 months on a mission with a Battle Company.
“Sometimes, we ask ourselves if we can save the vets, I think the real question is if we can save ourselves.”
To resume up, PTSD symptoms can be:
- Irritability and outbursts of anger
- Suicidal thoughts and suicide
- Alcohol misuse and dependence
- Sexual problems and confusion about sexuality
- Eating disorders
- Self-injury and self-harming behaviour
- Transient psychotic episodes
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Dissociative Identity Disorder
- Somatisation – Emotional distress experienced as physical pain
- Increased rates of physical conditions like heart disease and cancer
- Homelessness Re-victimisation Prostitution
- Criminal behaviour (including, for a small minority, sexual offences)
- Low self-esteem
- Lack of confidence
- Sleep problems
- Parenting problems
- Relationship problems
- Trust issues
via What’s PTSD?
When is your fave moment in a day to take time for your Self? Here you find a video from my (not so) personal coach, since at least one year now. With courtesy of Michelle Goldwin from LA, California. Since last stress peak, I’ve actually started feeling more balanced, focused, flexible and in a better mood after starting being regular. Before, I thought that it was simply not possible for me, finding the time. Thank’s to this nice lady, I can vary any time, and stick into my progress, when I feel like. Does it sound like a spot? It actually is. But it’s for free, as it is following and subscribing to this You Tube Channel.
One of the purposes of this blog, it is to give away without asking for any bills. Let’s start from yoga practice. It’s free, but it doesn’t mean it is not working. The harder you work, the quicker you get the results.
Yoga means no agenda. Forget “quicker”. Relax and get moving, slowly but surely.
You’ll tell me.
In loving memory of one of my fave war journalists ever. There are Vietnam and Cambogia reporting, but in Italian. Those of you who speak my home language, go for it, on You Tube. This is with English subtitles.