Panic attacks

Story Time.

In 2016, 6 months later my “fake alert”, in july, I had the first Panic Attack of my life.

I was terrified, thought gonna die or loose my sanity. I was at work, and suddenly it happened. My mind lost control on my body. Or today, I would say that my body took control on my mind, in order to communicate.

At that season, I was angry, frustrated and stressed out, perhaps depressed, apathic, and I couldn’ t relate to my inner wisdom. There wasn’t any.

My soul launched me an alert to say “hello, nobody’s home?”.

One way to cope with it was starting with practice of mindfulness and of course, changing my job. Easier to say that to do it.

First, cos I loved my job, and had a real passion for contact with public. And second, cos what else could I do, after 8 years of hotel reception and 25 years of contact with public?


Antonella Barberini
PTSD Beautiful Trauma
Web Editor, Dreamer and Author

Symptoms of Panic Attacks.

Symptoms of Panic Attacks Common symptoms of panic attacks include:

Racing heart

Heart palpitations

Chest pain or discomfort 

Difficulty breathing

Vision problems





Numbness or tingling, usually of hands or face


Feeling like you are going to die

Each day is a Success.

Darkest Before Dawn — Heni’s Happy Paintings

Bonsoir Atlanta;)

Darkest Before Dawn is my new painting. Each year around the International Day of Peace I like to paint a dove of peace. I’m a little behind the curve as the date was on September 21st but better late than never. I decided to paint a dove flying at night as lately it seems that […]

Darkest Before Dawn — Heni’s Happy Paintings

Oh, well, tonight, on 21st of December, I found a like on my post and just can’t stop watching all of her art work. You can like it or not, she puts a story on each painting and it’s quite realistic. I like her series from mythical creatures to sea life and doves for the international Peace Day on 21st September. Ok Heni, you made my day, thank you. I am posting here only the most speaking to me at this moment in life.

Sorry, Heni, I am skipping all production about cats; they are a cutie, and I love the story that you write for each painting. Well done ! I wish you and your family Happy Holidays from Paris suburbs in a winter Solstice Day. Definitely, I feel this is Darkest before Dawn sign indeed.

New York – Paris: same PTSD?

Sign language.

Bonsoir New York, Ciao America.

Since a couple of years I am personally engaging with spreading PTSD awareness, in the aftermath of Paris attacks (january and november 2015). In a certain way, 11/13 was our 9/11. Thou my personal one didn’t show up in the news, cos of cover up (not saying it all here, blaming it’s not my purpose, really).

In my case, I lost my job, and health, in next 6 months, with anxiety, and panic attacks, avoiding, hypervigilance, tachycardia, tremors, sleep burn out and emotional break down. Yes, I was a mess, but very few people could see that it was happening. Definitely, I have been very lucky and reached out for good help from the best professionals I could find on my way. Not all the people I know, who were close to what I lived had the same journey. Most of us who shared the same “circumstances” had to change their lives and take our health in charge, both physical and mental. Stress can manifest in your body years later. Yes, I also went through surgery at my stomach due to stress two years later. Today I am finally getting a steady position at a new service. And I am a totally transforming in a New Person. You can check my page About Me. It’s not only physical, of course. But mostly mental, Mindset and Consciousness.


Where was I in 2001? At work, in Italy, in a software house, as assistant and front office. My first dramatic reaction concerned symbolic meaning, that was the very first time that US were under threat and touched directly at home. Beacause we are humans, my second thought went to my date, I had a plan with my future boyfriend, who also worked with me, as software developer technicien, and he declined our pizza date for that evening. I felt quite upset lol

Whilst the twin towers were melting and falling, my hopes and dreams of a brilliant future in couple were also fading away.

Nervertheless, tonight I take the opportunity to send a message in a bottle to America: you have been through traumatic events so far, rampage shootings and terror attacks, from Bernardino and many others, you are celebrating 20 years soon, from that 9/11, if people, unlike me (this time), went through medical treatments they might go through a sort of “awakening” right in these days. Be prepared. It might be an explosive cataclysm of your Soul.

Keep it up.

Antonella Barberini
PTSD Beautiful Trauma
Web Editor, Dreamer and Author

** Please, be aware of triggers **

Forces Penpals for Combat Stress.

When I decided to write for this website, I was feeling quite isolated, and abandoned. It was almost Xmas time, and as I do regularly, I was seeking for my “cause of the year”. My first attempts to find penpals, except for subscribing to “International Pen Friends”(thank you my last representative from Sidney, AU), were not lucky. In fact, I fell into scams, in Facebook pages, and I was quite upset about that.

My “marraine de guerre” (soldier’s angel) subscription at American website for penpalling and supporting deployed in Middle East never got a reply, neither after veryfing my credit card on the net. Yes, I was decided. I wanted my deployed soldiers to tchit tchat with me during Xmas eve. “What are you here for?” they asked me. “Empathy” my naïve answer. Anyway, I did report Nigerian scammers to the authorities, and some day I will dedicate them a kind post, where I would love to recommend them to develop and take their talents seriously, cos for one week I was really convinced that “Allan Polanski” was happy to hear from me. Eventually, he was not the white American man, divorced and with three children, who I saw on his “fake” Facebook page. My faith, I felt really embarrassed. And yes, I am a believer 😊

Now, never mind, beware this forces penpal website which is not all friendly, as much as any other website for penpals or dating on line, if you like. Ok? I want to support them, first, cos I met good persons and am sharing their stories here on this website, and perhaps, in my next book. Second, Combat Stress is reputed to be serious and qualified to support veterans in the aftermath of service. Feel free to subscribe. The fee is not expensive, it’s free for servicemen, or family members, I guess. Whatever you choose to do with this website, I wish you find your “Mr Darcy”. Or at least, that you can make a good joke with these guys (or girls). Only who have been to hell and back know how to appreciate a good laugh for what it is, right?

This is the link to their faboulous website.

How Bad Is Katniss’ PTSD in The Hunger Games? We Asked the Experts

This article was written by the psychiatrists of Broadcast Thought—Dr. Vasilis K. Pozios and Dr. Praveen R. Kambam. Spoilers for The Hunger Games movies follow.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 1 opens with a very telling scene. Katniss Everdeen is on the verge of tears and hiding in the bowels of District 13 reciting the most basic facts of her existence: Her name, her age, the fact that she was twice thrown into the Hunger Games arena to fight for her life. It’s a reminder that for all of her resilience and heroism, Katniss is still just a teenage girl who has been in kill-or-be-killed situations far too often.

Psychological trauma is pervasive for Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence).

She is haunted by the sheer brutality and life-threatening nature of the Games. In The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, she grapples with processing the emotional scars of her first Games and returning home to her loved ones. Then, in Mockingjay—Part 1, she struggles with her identity as she endures the psychological trauma of her second time in the arena and the knowledge that her friend Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson) has been captured by the Capitol that put them in the Games in the first place.

So, Does Katniss Meet the Criteria to Be Diagnosed with PTSD?

Although it’s become fashionable to use psychiatric terms such as “PTSD” in a colloquial sort of way, post-traumatic stress disorder is actually a strictly defined mental disorder that can be severely debilitating. There are five groups of criteria that must be met in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be made. So, does Katniss meet those criteria? Is President Coin’s (Juliane Moore) analysis in Mockingjay right— did the Games destroy her? Let’s examine her symptoms.

PTSD Criteria 1: Trauma To be diagnosed with PTSD, one must of course be exposed to a traumatic event.

Even those who flunked Psych 101 know Katniss has been traumatized. But would the specific traumatic things she’s experienced give someone PTSD? Clinically speaking, traumatic events are defined as those involving the direct experiencing or witnessing of actual death, threatened death, or serious injury. By this definition, Katniss experiences multiple traumatic events—both in the arena and out of it—throughout The Hunger Games films. In fact, by our count, Katniss experiences over two dozen traumatic events throughout The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay—Part 1.

The Hunger Games Masterfully Explores Trauma

I don’t know how to say it exactly. Only…I want to die as myself. Does that make any sense?” he asks.

I shake my head. How could he die as anyone but himself? “I don’t want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I’m not.” I bite my lip, feeling inferior. While I’ve been ruminating on the availability of trees, Peeta has been struggling with how to maintain his identity. His purity of self.

“Do you mean you won’t kill anyone?” I ask. “No, when the time comes, I’m sure I’ll kill just like everybody else. I can’t go down without a fight. Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to…to show the Capitol they don’t own me. That I’m more than just a piece in their Games,” says Peeta.

“But you’re not,” I say. “None of us are. That’s how the Games work.” “Okay, but within that framework, there’s still you, there’s still me,” he insists. “Don’t you see?” “A little. Only… no offense, but who cares, Peeta?” I say.

“I do. I mean, what else am I allowed to care about at this point?” he asks angrily. He’s locked those blue eyes on mine now, demanding an answer.

I take a step back. “Care about what Haymitch said. About staying alive.” Peeta smiles at me, sad and mocking. “Okay. Thanks for the tip, sweetheart.” It’s like a slap in the face. His use of Haymitch’s patronizing endearment. “Look, if you want to spend the last hours of your life planning some noble death in the arena, that’s your choice. I want to spend mine in District Twelve.”

Midnight poems by Karl Tearney (Second Life).

Yesterday today.


Sorry for my (more than usual) nasal voice, got a bad cold …it’s 3 degrees in Paris, at the moment, … bonne nuit, les amis. And if you enjoy the music, here you are these sparkling 20s, 30s, 40s Vintage Tea Party.

Portraits of Soldiers Before and After War. We are the not dead.

This article was “where it all began”. Not only you can see how trauma transformed their faces, but also, their rite passage from Young men to men; from hell and back.

Photographer Lalage Snow, who is currently based in Kabul, Afghanistan, embarked on an 8-month-long project titled We Are The Not Dead featuring portraits of British soldiers before, during, and after their deployment in Afghanistan. Similar to Claire Felicie’s series of monochromatic triptychs, Snow captures the innocent expressions of these men transformed into gaunt, sullen faces in less than a year. The three-panel juxtaposition allows the viewer to observe the physical changes a stationed soldier in a war zone goes through. Time is sped up for these men under the beating sun, amidst combat. Regardless of age, the boys that went in came back as men with experiences beyond their years. As weathered and worn as their skin or sunken in faces may appear, it’s their dilated eyes that are the most telling.

Additionally, Snow’s series accompanies each triptych with quotes from each of the servicemen that gives a great deal of insight into their mental and emotional state at each given time. Sergeant Alexander McBroom’s first portrait, before deployment, features him bravely saying, “I am not worried about going out – it is my job after all.” Three months later, he is quoted as saying, “It has been an eye opener.” And, finally, another four months after, he says, “It is always that fear, that apprehension, what is going to happen if I get blown up?” Having gone through life-altering trials and warfare, it is no surprise that fear is no longer a foreign feeling to these courageous men.

Snow’s intention with the series is to not only honor their bravery by featuring them, but to also draw attention to every soldiers’ psychological transformation. She says, “It was a very personal project and stemmed from having embedded with the military on and off for 4 years in Iraq and Afghanistan and bearing witness to how many young men return as shadows of their former selves and, in many cases, with deep, psychological scars. As the body count of British servicemen killed or wounded rose and the political ramifications of the British army’s presence in Afghanistan became increasingly convoluted, more and more soldiers felt like they didn’t have a voice, or at least, weren’t being listened to. We Are The Not Dead is an attempt at giving the brave young men and women the chance to explain how it really is.”

Beware to trigger.

With courtey of

Wounded Healer. What’s that? Are you?

Wounded healer is a term created by psychologist Carl Jung. The idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is “wounded“. The idea may have Greek mythology origins.

Who is Jonathan Foust?

I dunno, but he sounds amazing on his podcats.

When I felt lost in confusion, I asked myself “What am I supposed to do?” I didn’t know how to react. But the question is “How do you react to this world of suffering?” First, accept that stress, suffering and dissatisfaction are part of our human experience. Perhaps there is a way not to react, but to positively respond.

Chiron from 2010-2019

  • Challenged all religions – cutting their progress and power.
  • Made us switch from me to we.
  • Forced us to deal with our raging emotions and our self-destructing mood swings.

Chiron in Aries (2019 – 2027)

This is a particularly challenging position for Chiron, threatening world peace. This new position of the Wounded Healer has so many things to say. He will stay there until April, 2027.

We switch again from we to me. And we should take full responsibility of our actions.

It’s not easy to get through this time without being aware of what we do and the impact of our actions. Karmically speaking, this new position will probably bring wars and protests like we’ve never seen before.

But through all this violence, suffering and cruelty, we will finally learn that Love is the Key.

Chiron was an educator ( today’s coach/mentorship), and he was especially good with boys. He taught them the skills they needed to become men: medicine, music, archery, hunting, and prophecy. And although he was married, his love of his young male students surfaces in many stories, his attachment to Dionysus, for example.

That’s Life. Amazing Joker.

You know why I am posting this. Do you:)

Stunning version of Frank Sinatra‘s original song.

** The Phoenix **


In Batman lore, Gotham is usually depicted as a broken city before Batman arrives to save the day. However, the Gotham we see in Joker is even bleaker. The ’70s setting provides a gritty feel to the place, and it always feels like it is a city about to go up in flames.

The conditions of Gotham likely play a huge role in Arthur’s descent into madness. As the film begins, we see Arthur talking to his social worker and he struggles with how terrible things have gotten. It is a haunting hint at how bad things will be by the end of the film.


The idea of being ignored and overlooked is a big theme in Joker. Arthur is a man who is struggling in life and needs help, but the world around him is uncaring. When he visits with his social worker, he communicates the frustration of that feeling.

As she tells him that their program is being cut, Arthur laments that even in this space where he is supposed to get help, he is ignored. He wants people to listen to him and take notice. As the story goes on, we see that he’s willing to go to extremes to get noticed.


The movie gives us a very different version of Thomas Wayne than we have ever seen before. Instead of the dedicated businessman who wants to use his resources to help the people of Gotham, he is a self-involved man of privilege who refuses to consider the needs of the less fortunate.

After Arthur kills some abusive men on the subway, reports come out about a vigilante in a clown mask. Wayne gives his own opinion about cowards that hide behind masks. This is a not-so-subtle nod to his son’s future, and it connects Joker and Batman in an interesting way.


After the subway murders, something awakens in Arthur and he seems to have discovered some twisted purpose. More disturbingly, he seems to inspire other desperate people in the city through his murderous actions.

Arthur finally sees himself getting attention and that feeds into his sense of meaning. He has accidentally become a symbol of Gotham’s revolution, and is willing to continue down this dark path so he is no longer ignored.


Arthur’s dream of becoming a stand-up comedian is a tragic one, as his failure at accomplishing that purpose leads him to his much darker one. However, it also gives interesting insight into his disturbed mind. Arthur doesn’t seem to understand humor in the same way others do, as evidenced by his “joke journal.”

Among these strange scribblings and ideas, there is one phrase he keeps returning to, “I hope my death makes more cents than my life.” It is a hint at Arthur’s dissatisfaction with his current life but also convinces him he’s meant for something greater.


The tragedy of Arthur’s character is that he truly does want to bring joy and laughter to the world — it’s just that the world doesn’t want it from him. He tries to maintain this joyful outlook even with his life as difficult as it is. But when things continue to pile upon him, it gets too much to bear.

When Arthur visits his mother in the hospital after finding out about how he was abused as a child, he adopts a new outlook. He says “I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it’s a f**king comedy.”


Though many people probably went into this movie thinking they would see a violent and dark take on the comic book film, Joker is much more about the exploration of having a mental health condition and how society reacts to it.

Arthur suffers from severe mental illness but we see little sympathy for his condition. This relates to his feeling about being ignored. One profound and heartbreaking entry in his journal reads, “The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t.”


The movie raises the disturbing idea that a villain like Joker might never have been created if people had just listened. Arthur knows he is sick and he wants help, but the world’s disinterest in him and his struggle causes his downward spiral.

As Arthur meets with his social worker, he criticizes her for asking the same questions and not actually caring about the answers. His cry for help once again falls on deaf ears. It is a heartbreaking and frightening line delivered perfectly by Phoenix.


As we follow Arthur on his dark journey, the movie continues to play around with the idea of reality. We see things happen that later are revealed to be inside Arthur’s mind. This leads to the ending, which hints at the possibility that the entire thing could have been a “joke” in Arthur’s head.

After Arthur is celebrated in the streets during the riots, the film quickly cuts to him in custody in Arkham Asylum. As he laughs, the doctor asks if he would like to share the joke. He simply responds, “You wouldn’t get it,” which leaves an uneasy question of what is going on in his head.


When Arthur is invited onto the late-night show hosted by Murray Franklin (Robert De Niro), you just know something bad is going to happen. Indeed, Arthur takes this moment to debut his Joker persona and hold society accountable.

After admitting to killing the men on the subway, Arthur criticizes Murray and others for how they treat people like him. He then ends with a final joke, What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash? You get what you f**kin’ deserve!He then murders Murray on live television in the movie’s most shocking moment.

With courtesy of