Next Mission: PTSD at home. Veterans breaking the Silence.

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Actually, I am living this situation at work. Yes, I am the weak link.  And yes, I was the first and only one to break the silence. So, what?

Do you know the story of someone who is sitting on the edge of the river waiting for his dead enemy’s body passing by?

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Seriously, it took me 1 month and a half to take an appointment with a psychologist after my burn out. Sometimes it’s life or death.

***

“ah, post traumatic stress disorders, what a wimp, the weak link and then, you are not promoted anymore, you are not going on the next tour ….”

“So, how do you save your self?”

First step, you come forward and admit you have a problem;

second step, finding the right people to listen to your concern and be able to point out the right direction to get the help you need;

step three, finding the right therapy; either a pills prescription or whatever.

“Delay, deny and die.”

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PTSD brothers in arms: James Maskey, fit trainer, and police man.

untitled.pngJust got back from work, and took the time to read your story, James. Thank you for not putting details and keep that distance, that is necessary, when you want to recover from PTSD. Sure, I will follow your ultra from a distance, and I wonder if the other guy from Canada, proud owner of Vatic Foundation, will join you on his bycicle along with Ginger, his dog. By the way, your story reminds me of french policemen, during the last “attacks season“. Just mention a quick but deep gratitude, and grand compassion, for those guys, and ladies, who are serving and living these times of thrills and adrenaline, to say the least. Still on orange alert, here. Pity to say that we are getting used to it.

Your PTSD look very much like a typical burn out, which an Italian psychologist would define soul related disorder like panic attacks. Your personal and career transformation is huge. Congrats! Very humbling. And I wish you and Lisa to live a fulfilling life together. Unfortunately, I hadn’t the same luck with my partners. But they are men;) lol

Well, I hope this eye blink makes you smile and look forward to knoe the rest of the story. It’s rare that men gain self awareness, I mean, this is new for me, perhaps, in Australia and Canada, you are more advanced in self development.  Pray for us all, brothers, that we can do a good job on this subject, PTSD, and make it an opportunity to grow, and evolve, as a Team. James, in case you were wondering, you might be hired as the “Captain”. If you feel okay with it. Sorry, I hope you don’t mind, if I put your story on my blog. As brother in arms. Wish you well.

Respect xx  

Over the next 6 months, I will be confronting and sharing my journey with PTSD as I prepare to compete in an international endurance event to change the stigma surrounding mental health and PTSD survivors. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am a survivor. My Beginnings I grew up on the Gold Coast, Queensland. […]

via Part 1: My journey with PTSD — James Maskey

Balance, and black power.

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Do you believe in signs? Do you catch any thoughtful insights from quite irrelevant happenings in your  daily life? Psychologist Jung called it “sinchronicity”. When it happens, I feel like that there is someone behind the scene. Recently, my attention has been, and still is, captured by this amazing movie, The Greatest Showman. I am not hiding, I am a new big fan of Hugh Jackman, despite I didn’t take time to watch on his Logan, just because I find it a little violent for my own criteria.  I am also in love with his couple, Jack and Deborah Lee, I just can’t help. She rocks, and their story is very inspiring. This is, also, me.

Signs. A few days ago, I was sharing a cup of café crème after work, with this Italian friend who is been working in a circus, in Rome. She is very tiny, little woman, who had 4 children. Very strong. She introduced me this other Italian, just arrived, Shirly (mispelling is due to her Italian mother, whose other daughter is named Marilyn).

To be honest, I can’t tell you how much Hollywood magic still influences Italian imagination. We were born to be on stage. Even if you cook some homemade pizza, we are acting like movie stars on the screen. I knoe… it’s a natural skill. Or mythomania.

Let’s focus on this girl, she actually is an acrobat. Brown, long hair and big brown eyes. Tiny, too. Perhaps, if you are small size, it’s easier to fly. When I arrived at work, this morning, there was a group in the hall, they were all acrobats. And I felt a good vibe.

Perhaps people who jump in the air, keep on moving, and trust each other can see other people without judging, I thought. Their look was amused, but not judgemental. They were the Stars. Why acrobats are catching my attention all at once?

And then, I go to this rendez -vous with my counsellor who clears up my mind and opens my third eye chakra. By now, my actual situation -at work and life, generally speaking- is walking on a tightrope.

After burn out, priorities became regaining my emotional balance, and still working on it. At first, results came thank’s to yoga, and physical exercise, push ups, sleep & healthy diet discipline (meat is banned). It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a glass of wine, or that I am gluten free addicted. I am just mindful of what I eat and drink (what’s this coke zero?).

A whole new person is writing these lines,  and I like it. But my life is still stuck. Transforming, reorganising and restructuring. If you are familiar with these terms, you knoe what I mean. Capitalist system is owned by companies who keep us as modern slaves. And it is not by chance, that the person who is my trustworthy counsellour is a black african. The way he spoke to me, today, reminded me of that great, collective father figure of Martin Luther King Jr. His straight, and reassuring look, his confident and open attitude. He holded me tight from a leap in the void.

By only his own words. This is the power of conversation, right?

I’ve recently been in an emotional distress, upsetting family news, and sudden surgery, I needed a break, and I took it right at Christmas Time. The best present for holidays that I did to my family in ten years, abroad. The best holy season since my grandparents passed away. At work, it was not easy. But I’ve followed my heart, and… no regrets.

But now, to keep balance, heart and mind have to be in coeherence with each other.

I can’t leave, I can’t abandon. I am simply not ready.

Acrobats, when launch themselves, they have been training a tons of times, again and again, they take the risk because they feel confident and safe. Or they know that the person who waits for them, to hold their hands is solid, stable and strong.

I admit, I have been talking about my health issues to a very few persons, rarely I did it with friends (why annoying them?). Choose carefully the persons that you can trust, or who will trust you. It’s not guaranteed that a friend can listen the good listening (therapeutic). They can rarely be neutral. Gosh, my best friend almost sent me to hospital when visiting me, during an anxiety attack (she was so scared).

Now, that my pair in this fight to regain my long-term job, is “black power“, well, I feel more comfortable and euphoric.

There is a time fot letting go, and a time for holding on.

“Painted and smiling, I balance on my trapeze. Luka is poised ten metres away, his muscles shining under the lights. The wooden circles in his earlobes twitch as his jaw clenches, unclenches, clenches.” Kirsty Logan

 

 

Still I Rise.

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You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

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Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya-Angelou-quotes-Amazing

Emotional Pride vs Memory pill.

ideesWhat stand emotions for ? Why can they be negative, and not only positive, and how can we better manage the negative ones ? Especially, after burn out, or trauma ? Do we feel the same at same level? Of course, we don’t. Since we are unique beings. Unique hearts and minds.

As unaware empath and higher sensitive person, I struggled to gain emotional balance all my life. In forty three years, I have been thinking : « This is my fault. I am not strong enough. I won’t ever fit in the box »

To be honest, fitting that box, the more I try, the more I fail. When you come up to be forty, and you knoe that you are not a girl anymore, and still don’t feel elderly either, finding harmony within becomes a priority. You get to be aligned between your mind and heart. Emotion is the connection between feelings and thoughts. When you feel sad, angry, joyful, stressed out, sit down, reconnect with your breathing, and listen.

What that emotion is telling you ? Stay with that feeling, …

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A few days ago, I found this french-canadian project called « Paris Mem », which invite victims from Paris attacks, or family members, to start a therapy with this pill which erases short-term memory. The pill is already used in anxiety therapies, and the purpose is to delete negative emotions from your brain.

For sure, pain of loss and terrible souvenirs do influence your life, and choices. But do you really think that « the quicker the better » ? If emotions are there to connect our selves with our true Self, and others, what about putting them off ?

Ever heard of risks of alienating ? And schizofrenia ? If you separate your inner Self from mind control, what will you become ? Are you sure is that quicker ?

« Waking up » from my anxiety medical treatment took me less than my doctors believed. And still, I feel lucky. In mid 90s, the neuropsychiatry said to my mother that in order to regain my memory back from treatment, it would take twenty years.

What if … what if, I started my psychoterapy at age of 21? what if, I became aware of being a higher sensitive person, and taking responsability of my being an artist. Or, at least, start improving my skills, and believe in Me. What If, I took actions alone, and not under the influence of an over controlling, loving, motherhood. Love you, mom, but perhaps tourism wasn’t the best option for me. And it’s time, now, to drive on my own.

Today, I am leaving a job, because of my medical restrictions, which include dealing with massive public and conflicts management ; in a few words, avoiding stressful situations with guests relations. Me, overwhelmed ? Yes, so what, from now on?

Btw, when I affirm that my healing process started with meeting Native Americans, I really mean it. My friend’s father, Leon Goodstriker, was a reputed Medicine Man from Canadian Blackfoot Indian Reservation. Rufus and George came to Italy for giving speeches in bio conferences ; George was recovering from alcohol addiction, as many Native Americans, unfortunately. He inspired me so much. Nineties were the ideal time for Indian Americans to cross overseas and come teach their culture to Wasicu, the whitemen. Some of them did it only for money. A sort of historical revenge, but a few whom I was honoured to meet, became friends for life. And still are.

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Rufus, didn’t do anything special to me, we just discussed, and I guess he capted me. The kind of person who can feel you. Or perhaps can read your aura. He just smiled at me, and had a good laugh. I was kind of surprised, because I didn’t expect them to be so hilarious and holding that huge sense of humour. Like we could laugh about anything, especially life and death. I mean, we struggle to live and then, we die. Aint’it worth a fabulous laugh ? His face is very expressive, and peaceful. His son, Leon, who is school bus driver, in Edmonton, today, and played a good role in Last of the Mohicans, remind me of that great figure of his Father. And make me smile.

Isn’t that a great start for healing ? I mean, laughing. It is. It helps putting a distance between you and the past events you have been through. It helps regulating your heart breathing, and it puts happiness hormones at work ( oxitine ).

What about feeling numb, now ? How can you find a purpose to your struggle, if you delete negative emotions like pain, anger, sadness ? What about personal growth, life questioning, and karmic debt ? What if these experiences, that we have been through, were necessary to our own Soul Progress?

« Karmic debt refers to the amount and type of experiences the individual must go through or endure, to explore his own beliefs of separation as well as emotions and feelings caused by them, in order to ultimately resolve them into spiritual truths and healing. Karma is always negative and heavy. »