Balance, and black power.

1200px-Trapeze_Artists_in_Circus

Do you believe in signs? Do you catch any thoughtful insights from quite irrelevant happenings in your  daily life? Psychologist Jung called it “sinchronicity”. When it happens, I feel like that there is someone behind the scene. Recently, my attention has been, and still is, captured by this amazing movie, The Greatest Showman. I am not hiding, I am a new big fan of Hugh Jackman, despite I didn’t take time to watch on his Logan, just because I find it a little violent for my own criteria.  I am also in love with his couple, Jack and Deborah Lee, I just can’t help. She rocks, and their story is very inspiring. This is, also, me.

Signs. A few days ago, I was sharing a cup of café crème after work, with this Italian friend who is been working in a circus, in Rome. She is very tiny, little woman, who had 4 children. Very strong. She introduced me this other Italian, just arrived, Shirly (mispelling is due to her Italian mother, whose other daughter is named Marilyn).

To be honest, I can’t tell you how much Hollywood magic still influences Italian imagination. We were born to be on stage. Even if you cook some homemade pizza, we are acting like movie stars on the screen. I knoe… it’s a natural skill. Or mythomania.

Let’s focus on this girl, she actually is an acrobat. Brown, long hair and big brown eyes. Tiny, too. Perhaps, if you are small size, it’s easier to fly. When I arrived at work, this morning, there was a group in the hall, they were all acrobats. And I felt a good vibe.

Perhaps people who jump in the air, keep on moving, and trust each other can see other people without judging, I thought. Their look was amused, but not judgemental. They were the Stars. Why acrobats are catching my attention all at once?

And then, I go to this rendez -vous with my counsellor who clears up my mind and opens my third eye chakra. By now, my actual situation -at work and life, generally speaking- is walking on a tightrope.

After burn out, priorities became regaining my emotional balance, and still working on it. At first, results came thank’s to yoga, and physical exercise, push ups, sleep & healthy diet discipline (meat is banned). It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a glass of wine, or that I am gluten free addicted. I am just mindful of what I eat and drink (what’s this coke zero?).

A whole new person is writing these lines,  and I like it. But my life is still stuck. Transforming, reorganising and restructuring. If you are familiar with these terms, you knoe what I mean. Capitalist system is owned by companies who keep us as modern slaves. And it is not by chance, that the person who is my trustworthy counsellour is a black african. The way he spoke to me, today, reminded me of that great, collective father figure of Martin Luther King Jr. His straight, and reassuring look, his confident and open attitude. He holded me tight from a leap in the void.

By only his own words. This is the power of conversation, right?

I’ve recently been in an emotional distress, upsetting family news, and sudden surgery, I needed a break, and I took it right at Christmas Time. The best present for holidays that I did to my family in ten years, abroad. The best holy season since my grandparents passed away. At work, it was not easy. But I’ve followed my heart, and… no regrets.

But now, to keep balance, heart and mind have to be in coeherence with each other.

I can’t leave, I can’t abandon. I am simply not ready.

Acrobats, when launch themselves, they have been training a tons of times, again and again, they take the risk because they feel confident and safe. Or they know that the person who waits for them, to hold their hands is solid, stable and strong.

I admit, I have been talking about my health issues to a very few persons, rarely I did it with friends (why annoying them?). Choose carefully the persons that you can trust, or who will trust you. It’s not guaranteed that a friend can listen the good listening (therapeutic). They can rarely be neutral. Gosh, my best friend almost sent me to hospital when visiting me, during an anxiety attack (she was so scared).

Now, that my pair in this fight to regain my long-term job, is “black power“, well, I feel more comfortable and euphoric.

There is a time fot letting go, and a time for holding on.

“Painted and smiling, I balance on my trapeze. Luka is poised ten metres away, his muscles shining under the lights. The wooden circles in his earlobes twitch as his jaw clenches, unclenches, clenches.” Kirsty Logan

 

 

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Fight the good fight, as a bad asshole.

To be honest with you, I let my brother kick my ass all my childhood. Also, my father kind of humiliated me, because as a girl, I wasn’t supposed to talk and express my Self, until 18. Sure, I forgave him, he wasn’t just prepared as a listener, neither as a father of a sensitive and emotional “tomboy”. Also, I’ve let kick my ass from a few assholes as bosses, and a perfect idiot, as boyfriend.

Until the day I went for Tae Kwon Do and thai boxe as amateur. At that time, I was working in the night shift, and before clocking my badge, I went to the gym with my colleagues and worked out. The coach, a cambodgian chinese, called me “battered woman” and still puts me on my nerves. But he was right.

Today, I knoe the power of my legs, and even my mind – of course – became stronger. I also learnt how to be a good swimmer. Despite my brother efforts to test my resistance, pushing my head down the water, yes, kind of sadic. If I can use my own words, sometimes life gives you kicks in your ass or in your teeth, and it’s up to you to fight back.

How will you behaviour?

I knoe that in order not to be a Victim, you have to respond with all your energy, like in a rape assault. You are not a victim if you react properly until you feel safe.

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” Emo Philips