Black Tourmaline. Talisman for Protection, guys and gals. A psychic shield. Know your Power.

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Introduction to Meaning and Uses of Black Tourmaline

Ancient magicians relied upon Black Tourmaline, known as Schorl, to protect them from earth demons as they cast their spells. Today this stone is still revered as a premier talisman of protection, a psychic shield deflecting and dispelling negative energies, entities, or destructive forces. It guards against radiation and environmental pollutants, and is highly useful in purifying and neutralizing one’s own negative thoughts and internal conflicts, and turning them into positive, usable energy. [Eason, 204][Raphaell, 132][Ahsian, 407]

Black Tourmaline is also a powerful grounding stone, electrical in nature, providing a connection between Earth and the human spirit. Its supportive energy aligns the energy centers of the body and channels healing light throughout the system. It promotes a sense of power and self-confidence, allowing for a clearer, more objective view of the world. It is empowering to those who must live or work in challenging environments or when facing difficult circumstances. [Eason, 204][Simmons, 406][Raphaell, 132][Hall, 298]

Although Tourmaline may be found on every continent, fine crystal specimens and gems are still considered rare and can be quite expensive. Its vast popularity as a gemstone began in 1876, when mineralogist and jeweler George Kunz sold a Green Tourmaline from Maine to the famous Tiffany and Co. in New York, and its desirability spread. More recently it has become a favorite of metaphysical collectors and practitioners for its versatile energy properties. [Simmons, 406]

Tourmaline belongs to a complex family of aluminum borosilicates mixed with iron, magnesium, or other various metals that, depending on the proportions of its components, may form as red, pink, yellow, brown, black, green, blue or violet. Its prismatic, vertically striated crystals may be long and slender, or thick and columnar, and are uniquely triangular in cross-section. They often vary in coloration within a single specimen, lengthwise or in cross sections, and may be transparent or opaque. The name Tourmaline comes from an ancient Sinhalese word turmali, meaning “a mixed color precious stone,” or turamali, meaning “something small from the earth.” [Mella, 110][Simmons, 406][Megemont, 182]

The most common species of Tourmaline is Schorl, which accounts for ninety-five percent of all Tourmaline in nature. It is black, or sometimes a blue so deep it appears to be black. The term Schorl was in use before the 1400s, named for a town in Saxony, Germany, where Black Tourmaline was found in nearby tin mines. [wikipedia.org]

Needles of Black Tourmaline, or Schorl, can also be found embedded in clear Quartz, called Tourmalinated or Tourmalated Quartz. The combination of clear white and radiant black are believed to create a perfect polarity of energies, a manifestation of light and dark forces united together for a common goal. It is regarded as a symbol of great fortune and is not carried as an ongoing charm, but when specific good luck is needed. [Raphaell, 132][Eason, 132]

One of Tourmaline’s most distinguishing properties is its ability to become electrically charged simply by heating or rubbing it. When charged, one end becomes positive and the other negative, allowing it to attract, or repel, particles of dust or bits of paper. This property of pyroelectricity (from heat) or piezoelectricity (from pressure or rubbing) was well-known to the Dutch traders of the 1700s who used Tourmaline to pull ash from their Meerschaum pipes, calling the stone Aschentrekker, or “ash puller.” [Simmons, 406]

 

Black Tourmaline Uses and Purposes – Overview

Tourmaline is a shamanic stone, providing protection during ritual work. It can be used for scrying, and was traditionally used to point out a cause of trouble or an offender, and to indicate a good direction in which to move. [Hall, 297] To use Black Tourmaline in purification and protection rituals, create a ring of eight small natural tumblestones for a protection circle or place upon an altar. [Eason, 204]

Black Tourmaline is an excellent grounding crystal for meditation and healing, and a small number of Black Tourmalines are double-terminated, ideal for body layouts. The linear flow of energies is enhanced equally in both directions along the crystalline form. [Simmons, 407]

Black Tourmaline soothes panic attacks, especially those caused by dark or confined spaces, or in places where the atmosphere is frightening. It also helps control fears of doctors or dentists. [Eason, 204]

Wear this crystal for protection against moaners, whiners, complaining neighbors or emotional vampires who burden you with their problems but do nothing to improve their situations. [Eason, 204]

In the workplace, hold Black Tourmaline for a few minutes when you need to wake up your mind or when you need full concentration. It provides an excellent shield against environmental pollutants, electromagnetic smog, and radiation associated with cell phones, computers, and other electronic equipment. [Eason, 204][Hall, 298] It is a professional support stone for miners and telephone workers. [Mella, 132-133]

In industry, Tourmalines are highly valued as electrical tuning circuits for conducting television and radio frequencies. They are used for their durability since high frequencies can be passed through them without shattering, as many crystals do. [Mella, 110]

Tourmaline strengthens the sense of smell, and in that respect, can also enhance the perception of pheromones which produces an aphrodisiac effect.

Tourmaline is specifically used to treat motion sickness. It may also assist in restoring luster and shine to hair and nails. [Megemont, 184]

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Black Tourmaline Healing Therapies – Overview

(Please note: Information on this web site is no substitute for consulting a health care professional. All information contained on this web site, including information relating to medical and health conditions, products and treatments, is for informational purposes only. Please see your doctor or health care professional before starting any alternative treatments, diets, supplements or exercise programs.)

 

Black Tourmaline Physical Healing Energy

Black Tourmaline stimulates the reflex points associated with the lower back, legs, ankles and feet, and may be used to realign the spinal column. It provides pain relief and assists with strained or torn muscles, numbness, arthritis, and scar tissue. [Gienger, 86][Eason, 204][Melody, 655][Hall, 299]

Black Tourmaline defends against debilitating disease and strengthens the immune system, heart, and adrenal glands. It also is beneficial in treating the bowels, constipation, IBS, and diseases of the colon, as well as ridding the body of heavy metal toxins and environmental pollutants. [Eason, 204][Melody, 655][Hall, 299][Ahsian, 407]

Tourmaline is a marvelous tool for balancing the right/left hemispheres of the brain and bringing mental processes into alignment with the chakras and auric body. It diminishes fear and may be useful in treating paranoia, and to overcome dyslexia by improving eye/hand coordination and the assimilation and translation of coded information. [Hall, 297][Melody, 653-654]

Black Tourmaline Emotional Healing Energy

Black Tourmaline is a stone of purification, cleansing the emotional body of negative thoughts, anxieties, anger or feelings of unworthiness. It helps in overcoming substance abuse, and releases any suicidal thoughts or self-harming tendencies. It may be beneficial in treating obsessive or compulsive behaviors, and in relinquishing chronic worry. [Simmons, 406-407][Ahsian, 407][Eason 204]

Black Tourmaline increases physical vitality, replacing tension and stress with the ability to view the world objectively with clear, rational thought and neutrality. It inspires a positive attitude, no matter the circumstances, and stimulates altruism and practical creativity. [Gienger, 86][Hall, 298][Melody, 654-655]

 

Black Tourmaline Chakra Healing and Balancing Energy

Black Tourmaline may be used to activate grounding between the Base Chakra and the center of the Earth, providing further enhancement of one’s well-being on the physical plane. [Melody, 655]

The Base, or Root Chakra, is located at the base of the spine, and controls the energy for kinesthetic feeling and movement. It is the foundation of physical and spiritual energy for the body. When physically out of balance the symptoms will manifest themselves as lethargy, low levels of activity, low enthusiasm, and a need for constant stimulation. When its spiritual energies are out of balance, you will feel flighty, disconnected from reality, and distant. When the Base Chakra is in balance, the physical body regains its strength and stamina, and the spiritual energy is rekindled in the form of security and sense of one’s own power. It often leads to independence and spontaneous leadership.

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Black Tourmaline Spiritual Energy

Black Tourmaline is devoted to grounding spiritual energies, bringing a clearer expression of Light into the world and into the lives of those drawn to its powers. It furthers the ability to remain radiant in the darkest of circumstances, and to maintain a spiritual consciousness while living among those who are not always in the Light and do not understand the love of the universe. [Raphaell, 132-133][Melody, 654-655]

Natural Tourmaline wands are considered quite special and channel a high-powered electrical energy capable of transcending physical laws and producing phenomenal healing. The positive force of these Light tools effectively clears blockages in the aura and removes negative energy. Black Tourmaline wands may be placed at the knees or feet with the terminations facing the toes to direct negative energies out of the body. They can also be used to direct energies from the crown and ethereal body to the base chakra, re-balancing the meridians of the physical body and providing an optimal balance in the ethereal body. [Raphaell, 128, 132][Melody, 654][Hall, 297]

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Black Tourmaline Color Energy

Tourmaline with black color energy deepens our connection to the physical, natural world. It brings power and strength, relieving fears specifically associated with the physical existence here on Earth. Black Tourmaline offers protection and a retreat, the safety of being hidden from your enemies.

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Meditation with Black Tourmaline

Black Tourmaline is one of the most common meditation crystals. It is exceptionally grounding to the Earth’s energies, freeing one to explore the spiritual world without harm or danger, and provides high levels of purification for the auric field and the etheric body.

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Social Media vs Self Care. Good match!

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Me too, I have been in and out Facebook, and MySpace, when it was the time for going social. People see you leaving and back, and again, they might be confused and wonder about our mental and social stability.

They are right. The point is, … who cares? Do you miss something? Photo albums from your friends holiday vacations,  do they really mind about yours? What are you eating, at the restaurant, when you finally quitted attending restaurants can be so frustrating, right?

Dating with someone pretty, because she is on the Facebook, posting sexy pictures, and she is adding you on her agenda. Wow.. tomorrow it will be another one, more interesting than you. Oh, really?

Are we serious? Is this the global era? Where socialising means anything but scary social autism?  Is that any common reasons for we are here on the WP reader to like and reblog about our own misery? lol

So, I wish you well, dear camerade, you know, a doctor once said to me “life is simple”. Something has broken, in the social media era, and we are leaving that world which doesn’t mirror our true Self, .. got it? Is there any balance between staying on the Facebook to keep connected to others and feeling isolated doing your life on your own?

Of course, when I see that girl filming her self while spending a lunch break with you it’s annoying, miserable, but except that you want eventually to kill her, what’s wrong with her? she wouldn’t be as much inspiring with or without her You Tube Channel on hair style, and that’s ok. Shallow people do exist and live their life showing off 3 quarters of their time. Noisy. Dull, lacking brightness. Apart from their sparkling silver open toes shoes.  That’s a fact.

Find your joy in your own pleasures, that’s a good idea, as far as keeping away from news for a positive mental health preservation.

Ho’oponopono thing says: “I’m sorry, please, forgive me, I love you”.

We shall do that every morning looking at our face in the mirror. It enhances inner peace ( self care ) and social media anxiety goes to the bin.

Hugs.

xx

 

 

I’ve been watching the social media frenzy die down for awhile now – the Facebook craze was at it’s peak a few years ago just like Myspace had it’s fun days when I was a teenager and now I’m not sure if that even really exists anymore. I kind of miss when Facebook just had […]

via Social Media – My Walking Problem Magnet — Mushrooms and Teacups

Balance, and black power.

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Do you believe in signs? Do you catch any thoughtful insights from quite irrelevant happenings in your  daily life? Psychologist Jung called it “sinchronicity”. When it happens, I feel like that there is someone behind the scene. Recently, my attention has been, and still is, captured by this amazing movie, The Greatest Showman. I am not hiding, I am a new big fan of Hugh Jackman, despite I didn’t take time to watch on his Logan, just because I find it a little violent for my own criteria.  I am also in love with his couple, Jack and Deborah Lee, I just can’t help. She rocks, and their story is very inspiring. This is, also, me.

Signs. A few days ago, I was sharing a cup of café crème after work, with this Italian friend who is been working in a circus, in Rome. She is very tiny, little woman, who had 4 children. Very strong. She introduced me this other Italian, just arrived, Shirly (mispelling is due to her Italian mother, whose other daughter is named Marilyn).

To be honest, I can’t tell you how much Hollywood magic still influences Italian imagination. We were born to be on stage. Even if you cook some homemade pizza, we are acting like movie stars on the screen. I knoe… it’s a natural skill. Or mythomania.

Let’s focus on this girl, she actually is an acrobat. Brown, long hair and big brown eyes. Tiny, too. Perhaps, if you are small size, it’s easier to fly. When I arrived at work, this morning, there was a group in the hall, they were all acrobats. And I felt a good vibe.

Perhaps people who jump in the air, keep on moving, and trust each other can see other people without judging, I thought. Their look was amused, but not judgemental. They were the Stars. Why acrobats are catching my attention all at once?

And then, I go to this rendez -vous with my counsellor who clears up my mind and opens my third eye chakra. By now, my actual situation -at work and life, generally speaking- is walking on a tightrope.

After burn out, priorities became regaining my emotional balance, and still working on it. At first, results came thank’s to yoga, and physical exercise, push ups, sleep & healthy diet discipline (meat is banned). It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a glass of wine, or that I am gluten free addicted. I am just mindful of what I eat and drink (what’s this coke zero?).

A whole new person is writing these lines,  and I like it. But my life is still stuck. Transforming, reorganising and restructuring. If you are familiar with these terms, you knoe what I mean. Capitalist system is owned by companies who keep us as modern slaves. And it is not by chance, that the person who is my trustworthy counsellour is a black african. The way he spoke to me, today, reminded me of that great, collective father figure of Martin Luther King Jr. His straight, and reassuring look, his confident and open attitude. He holded me tight from a leap in the void.

By only his own words. This is the power of conversation, right?

I’ve recently been in an emotional distress, upsetting family news, and sudden surgery, I needed a break, and I took it right at Christmas Time. The best present for holidays that I did to my family in ten years, abroad. The best holy season since my grandparents passed away. At work, it was not easy. But I’ve followed my heart, and… no regrets.

But now, to keep balance, heart and mind have to be in coeherence with each other.

I can’t leave, I can’t abandon. I am simply not ready.

Acrobats, when launch themselves, they have been training a tons of times, again and again, they take the risk because they feel confident and safe. Or they know that the person who waits for them, to hold their hands is solid, stable and strong.

I admit, I have been talking about my health issues to a very few persons, rarely I did it with friends (why annoying them?). Choose carefully the persons that you can trust, or who will trust you. It’s not guaranteed that a friend can listen the good listening (therapeutic). They can rarely be neutral. Gosh, my best friend almost sent me to hospital when visiting me, during an anxiety attack (she was so scared).

Now, that my pair in this fight to regain my long-term job, is “black power“, well, I feel more comfortable and euphoric.

There is a time fot letting go, and a time for holding on.

“Painted and smiling, I balance on my trapeze. Luka is poised ten metres away, his muscles shining under the lights. The wooden circles in his earlobes twitch as his jaw clenches, unclenches, clenches.” Kirsty Logan

 

 

Self love and yoga.

a3525591-7e0a-45f6-a3d0-3e09f94a7dca_1.fbe55d51e48006605c03034c99694ffaToday I was reading this blog page, talking about suicidal survivor, and I found my self wondering what kept me safe from going down, in last two years. I mean, I’ve been depressive, and bipolar, when younger, and at age of 43, I admit that I am, proudly, NO MORE. During my journey, I’ve been told that bipolar was for life, that you can’t sort it out without medical treatments, or psychological support.

Of course, I have been in psychothearapy, and self discovery. Talking to someone neutral and stranger to you is a good key. Not judgemental. Not involved. That’s a perfect therapy. While you’re talking about your issues, and thoughts, to someone who is listening is magical. Psychotherapy is just THIS. The person in front of you acts like a mirror, she or he allows you to listen to your own words. You finally have a witness to your suffering and that is a good start for healing. Or, at least, understanding. Therefore, UNDERSTANDING, is the beginning of healing. When you become conscious of your triggers, perhaps, you also realize that overthinking leads to paranoia. Ollalla’. Not easy to recognize at which point you became a « paranoid ». But it all starts from you. Forget that a stranger will tell you what’s wrong with you. Or your childhood. You do the job. Most often you just need a guide, a coach or a good listener.

Yes, I’ve been paranoid, especially when working at night shift. I simply hated not sleeping on a daily bases, and going to bed at 9 in the morning, when most of other people started their day. Or not falling asleep until exhausted. Or waking up after 21 hours, and checking news, just to make sure that you didn’t miss anything important. I was so tuned on negative thinking that I felt like there was a conspiracy against me. Like if all my colleagues disliked me and everybody else ignored me. If I existed or not, it didn’t make any difference. Paranoia, you said it.

When I was 23 I’ve started with Yoga for getting a nicer silhouette, but I already felt like this discipline was more than just physical excercise. Since then, I’ve been keeping practicing once a week. That was pretty fine for me, one hour now and then. Not much effort. Beginner classes suited me well. Until I went though my last peak of stress, last year.

When I started cutting my hair shorter, yes, darling. And decided to do my yoga every single day, once back home from work. Sometimes at 22 pm, now 19 pm. Depends on my time management.

So, I’ve tried a few channels, until I finally found my fave one. Not only my body became slimmer, and stronger, but my mind was more focus and could concentrate on my class in breathing and out breathing. Sometimes 30 minutes, or one hour in my weekend days. Leaving time for rest, at least one day per week. It became a wonderful way to distress my frustration and felt like I wanted more. When I read that yoga helps with depression issues I didn’t catch it. What’s the matter ? How can physical practice be related with being anxious or depressed ? ( mental issues )

Body, and mind, are definitely strictly connected.

Often you feel depressed because you have fear, you are not well in your situation and you knoe that you need a change, but you don’t take risk to move out of your (un)comfort zone. Victim status might also be cosy. It’s not your fault.

Practice in yoga means getting used to unbalance. You can fall, you are allowed, and you can laugh at your falling. And try again. Until you do better.

When you work your balance and breathing, with yoga, your subconscious keep focused and you empty your mind. That’s the useful meditative work done.

Tonight a friend told me, that my fear is the fear of existence of other. Oh my, really ? And I happily realized this, if you are reading this article, you shall consider how much you love your Self. Me too, I had this idea that I hated my Self …

It’s not true. You lost your confidence. Or other people made you loose your precious confidence. Often it’s parents or peers. Sometimes strangers. Most often is self sabotage and your worse enemy lies inside.

Until you meet your dragon, and stare at his fiery eyes. And his face is not a mirror, but it helps you to build up your Ego.

Body, emotion, and mind, align again. You become a whole.

Paranoid ? Yes, so what ?

Mindfulness, start small.

self-love-quoteBefore I discovered meditation, my daily routine was jumping out of bed, at last minute, rushing for having my breakfast, and getting ready for going out, and still hurry up to catch my bus. Typical parisian, I’d say. Yes, except I live in suburbs, and this area is located between country and woods. Even more scary.

Not only my way of walking, but also speaking was speed. Truth is that deeply inside, I am shy, and that means that when I have to speak, I feel I am at the center of attention and I am not confortable. This was me, before. « Hurry, hurry. » Consequently, french guests or colleagues tried hard to understand what I was saying to them. And actually, still do. But this is another story for another bed time. The fact of hurrying each moment of day made me more anxious and tired. Until I fell exhausted. Also, speaking my mind was a big trick for me. Simply, I didn’t take enough time to build up my thought, and this is quite typical for firy aries like me.

When, finally, got this audio-book from french psychologist, Christophe André, I was on a quest of the meaning of here and now. Why being mindful ? What is it ? Why are we not living the present moment, all the time ? It looks like our mind is escaping it, in the past and the future, … So, I started this practice for about TEN minutes, in the morning. Every morning. Straight before my coffee. First time, I kept watching the clock and minutes seemed like never passing by. Was I doing right ? Sat down, and focus on my nastrils, breathing IN cold air, breathing OUT warm air. That was helpful. My mind could start concentrating on physical. Thoughts flew away and then came back. « What will I put on today ? » « What will I eat for lunch ? » Then focus, again. Third eye helps. When you close your eyes, and concentrate on the dot between your eyebrows, I admit, that is powerful. So, what?

Yes, my life has magically changed since. And the results motivate me to hold one this practice. Now, that meditating became a pleasant habit, I spend more time on my orange pillow, sitting on the floor, but that doesn’t mean I am doing it properly. If I can, I let my overthinking release and let it go. Ok, I am anxious and a bit stressed, and that’s okay. I simply accept it. When you become aware of it, that’s a good start for healing. Your subconscious records that information and starts working on it, and eventually send orders to neurons to fight against stress. Your body gets prepared in a certain way. When you are so stressed out and you feel like you can’t meditate, just sit down and take ten minutes to RELAX….. that’s EXACTLY the perfect moment to do it.

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Some life coaches call it power hour. The first hour in the morning, where you can write down your journal, reading inspiring quotes, affirmations, doing yoga or work out excercise, and meditate. It’s matter of habits. What time is your clock in the morning? How do you feel now ? Emotionally ? Physically ? Can you imagine advance your clock for one hour ? Ok, ten minutes ? Start small.

If you like, keep on breathing. Darling, you just learnt how to take time for your Self, no matter what. No kids around, or work schedules. Each day is a good day for trying better. You’ll be grateful.

Don’t try, do.

Burn out. Paragraph.

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When I was diagnosed « burnt out » by my doctor, september 2015, I used sleeping 3-4 hours per night, five days a week. In my weekend days, I was so exhausted that I didn’t wake up until I had enough. Recovery sleep, what was that ?

Professionals say that our biological system starts producing melathonin at 22 pm, and recovering every single cell in our body, from 23 pm to 1 am. After that time, it’s too late. That means that if you go to sleep after 2 or 3 am every single night, it is quite possible that you develop health issues, and deseases, due to a weakened mental and physical body. As soon as I got my sick leave, a collegue had a terrible accident on his bycicle, when out for competition, on a sunday morning, he had his chest broken and couldn’t do any sport or walk properly, for a long time; another collegue went to hospital for a few months, and when he came back to work, he had to rearrange his schedules the same then I. He was stressed out, but he couldn’t ever admit to him self. The first, who was also my coach, told me that 4 hours sleep for him was enough. And for a while, he went on smoking weeds to help relaxing him self in the evening, until he finally had to quit, because of addiction. The second, who was in charge of « fake alert » (after january Paris attack), with me, moved to another service after a long recovery time in hospital. Because he was in denial, first, with him Self, he couldn’t see that something was wrong with me. He just told me, once, that I looked like I was going to cry, all the time, and that’s it. Also, he asked me if  I was bipolar.

When home, not only I felt drained, but unexpectedly, I wanted to do more. So, I used to sit on my kitchen table, and write down plenty of « to do list ». Cook, walk, draw, create, clean, iron, fix bike’s wheel, yoga, relax. I checked the list, except for last one, of course. What you should consider as normal, on an off work day, like having fun, going out, or simply cocooning at home, was not considered, and seen as a waste of time. Yes, I spent my rest time keep doing things. What helped me, during my journey, was this article about being anxious. It stated to try to write down your list, and then destroy it. So, I did it. My table is much cleaner now. And my mind, too.

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By the way, the person who really made the difference there, was my manager. During a certain time, she wasn’t there as much as the service required, or I would, due to her family’s configuration schedule, but I can’t blame her. At that right time, I did. I was angry against all management and frustration made me nervous and put me in a bad mood. Instead of leaving, cos there weren’t healthy conditions, to do our job, we felt compelled to replace them (for different reasons, I suppose). When she came back from holidays, she called me on a meeting with her, and asked me if what she heard was true. « Did I really had the courage to claim for a bonus ? » Definitely, yes, I did. We, as a team, did an excellent job, all alone. We had deserved it. Of course, that was the straw that breaks the camel’s back and, finally, bursted into tears. Go away. I was worthy a recognition for the effort. Instead of striking, as we were supposed to do, once the safety conditions are not guaranteed (guests became quite aggressive and they were right to be angry against a lack of service and staff), but we kept on doing a great job, altogether. And not only it didn’t pay off, we’ve been called and judged. That was my chance to blow the whistle. And I haven’t missed it.

That was the right moment when she, the boss – one of the persons I « feard » most– humbly suggested me to ask for help.

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The first reaction that I remember, before burn out, was feeling guilty. I felt like I was not strong enough. Others look was very important and you don’t want to desappoint them, right ? Your will is to show them that you are worthy their attention (and perhaps love ?).

Everybody was tired, but my collegues were holding on. Nobody spent a day sick at home. It was very exceptional, because as a team, we knew that if someone wasn’t there, others would do the job. It wasn’t human kindness, instead, but a sort of spiritual pride. Deeply inside, as individuals, we couldn’t bare not to be necessary. My service was precious, I thought, and I pretended to make a difference, in service, too. How could they manage without me ? Oh, well, they could, and they did. After burn out, there were no reaction, but release. Finally, I could start to breath again. And still do.

breeze : synonims, gentle wind, breath of wind, puff of air, current of air, flurry of air, gust

No more excuses.

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At the time of Paris attacks, january and november 2015, I was already struggling with chronic stress due to toxic work and lifestyle. Anger and frustration made me piss off all my dears, lover and best friends. All I needed was a warm and deep hug, listening, caring, and the way I had to call for it was just screaming and exploding in violent raptus of rage.

My boyfriend eventually ran away. He had two children, divorced, so I repeat to my self that I can’t blame him, if he couldn’t stand by me, upright. Btw he didn’t either make any effort to try to understand what was wrong with me. He just found that we quarrelled too much. Raise your hand if you went through low self esteem issues. « Am I worthy ? » « Will I ever find the right person who can stand by me upright ? » « Will I die alone ? ». « Will I ever find a balance in life ? ». It goes without saying, mental health issues made me loose my job, or did I loose mental health because of that job? Serving people, in a multicultural entertainement environement, made me very passionate about it. Let me be honest with you, I was brilliant, and guests really appreciated my concern at their demands. The fact is that I really felt like I had been damaged, someway, because of other’s fault, too massive tourism flow (low cost budget packages), and severe, partly ghostly, management. The lack of staff, and destroying schedules planning, did the rest. Financial results were all that counted. The same week that I’ve got my sick leave, company’s director proudly announced, on a meeting with occupational medicine and unions, that our team was good, perhaps the best in statistiques. Psychological risks were zero. 

Sure, I felt alone, powerless and, yes, the weakest link. Me, burnt out, no kidding.    

Ok, now, no more excuses. When you put your self in a situation, more times in life, and you repeat the pattern, it’s not just a lack of chance, or others bad will, you shall investigate in depth. C’mon, it’s not your fault, I am not saying this, but it becomes your responsability. “What are you gonna do with that?” There’s some lesson there that waits to be learned by your Self. My first lesson, Self Love. Self care. Self worth. Scary, but true, I admit that at that point of my life, my routine didn’t have any purpose except to soldier on. No sense at all. “Metro, boulot, dodo.” The daily routine of commuting and work was leading me to apathy.

Apathy: when feeling becomes too much.