Burnout : What is this?

STORY TIME.

When I was attending this training about “stress management”, it was 2013- 2014 and I was completely unaware of what was going on in my life. Well, I was the hamster running in the wheel. It simply was the ordinary life and I was following the pattern: could I do any better? NOPE.

I am okay, I will never go down there.

Except, once back from my doctor, in september 2016, who saved me and changed my life forever, with a sick leave for sleep burn out, that was the wake up call.

And now? what will I do from now on? Shall I go back to work in one week and acting like it was never happened? will they put pressure on me cos I have been sick, and messing with planning schedules and work load? what my parents will say about it? what they would say if they were here? ( and hopefully they weren’t )

TIME FOR MY SELF.

Yup, I didn’t return to work so soon. I finally took time to understand what was happening and the reasons why. Yes, I took time for my Self for the very first time, in my 45, consciously. And it made all the difference.

EMOTIONAL IN THE WORKPLACE.

SOLDIER ON.

Hotel and Flight Assistants, Doctors and Medical Care staff or Policemen, Servicemen and Firefighters are the first victims: you have to bury your ANXIETY and reassure others and get the job done.

Of course, your social life is a bonus. And today it’s commonly very poor or shallow. It’s not a clue that relationships and family lives are challenged by inhuman schedules and social pressure. It’s not society the problem, it’s more business and financial entanglement that asks to commerce and services to stay UP 24/7.

The company I am working for is open 365 days a year. It closed just once, due to a terrific thunderstorm, and second time, for terrorist attacks in 2015.

What the hell is the Dark Night?

Thank’s to all the You Tubers who are influencing my self discovery about psychological depth and motivational videos like these from Trevor Isley and the Holistic Psychologist.

Back for good.

Hi Crew.

** It’s reunion time here.** 

Did you have a good year? or did you feel abandoned?

This come back sounds pretty good to me, since I have a new Restart.

First, I want you to **congratulate** with me:)

If you read through my storytelling :

  • in 2015 went through these Paris attacks ( aftermath of a long term stress disorder )
  • panic attacks and anxiety manifestation ( 6 months later my fucking fake alert )
  • declared unfit to previous job ( hotel assistant )
  • had to retrain for a different service
  • got validation – after 3 years – for the present job ( admin )

Lost :

  • all meaningful relationships
  • my team/community
  • long term job security
  • sense of confidence
  • sense of safety
  • physical and mental health
  • key project for my future job career
  • lots of time in toxic relationships, plus some sort of addictions like shopping on the internet to compensate my frustration, too much coffee, rosé wine, and cigarettes yock

What I was planning before that I got my present job validation:

  • quitting any hope for a better future ( shall I feel that way forever? will I get a handicap card? and stigma? )
  • going back home ( what for? oups, no idea )
  • depression and more anxiety

What helped me to hold on and keep it up:

  • a few, true friends
  • a Second Book on the way

Not bad for a restart, right ?

 

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Dragon Fly is a symbol for Transformation.

What I am planning to do now :

  • reorganise the good job done on this website (a bit naïve, but honest and original)
  • improve my language skills (**it’s on your mind**)
  • add some podcast (use my voice, so you’ll get my nice accent and poetry reading)
  • start a mindfulness program on a 8 weeks bases **for free**

Oh well, my look is quite changed, as much as my inner transformation and will put a few photos which will shock you, hopefully, in a good way:)

Give away as much more stuff as I can, and I hope, that you will enjoy.

I won’t be perhaps that regular that you (and google ads) will expect, but I am still busy on writing, and this book will deserve my priority quality time ( days off work ).

When I have started this blogging, I was under construction and each day was a challenge… will I do it ? Will I ever take my long term job back? Will I return to home at mum and dad in Italy ? Doing what ? ( same small life that I was eager to quit before ? where people are scared cos now I’ve got a cosmopolitan background? )

This 2019 took my cherished Aunt away after lungs cancer; and few more losses among friends ( very bad incident and leucemia ).

I thought : « Life hasn’t finished with me » and I am here to reply « Then, I haven’t finish with life ». Right ?

This work is re-open on 13th November 20194 years later the **Parisian apocalypse**. Despite, I am not here for promoting kind of pity for terrorist victims, and please, don’t get me wrong, I have cried rivers in those days, and as a survivor, all my life went through a huge, long dark night through everyday ordeals, until Now.

Though, I am not here to say : “poor me, poor you”. We don’t need that. Right?

All time I’m spending with you, sharing what made a difference in my journey, is a **present** to any of you who really want to restart and live again – with dignity – after any sort of trauma.

** attention, please **

This is not any suicidal help line. I am not qualified as a pro caregiver would be.

***

But I can be the one who inspires and give a new sparkle to whom went through same exhaustion which is technically named « burn out », « break down » … or in my own words, « holy shit ».

V sign for Victory

V Sign for Victory.

My last books authors include mystics turned into psychologists and psychiatrists renowned for elite sport mind management; anger, fear and such topic as death will be put on the table.

It took me 45 years to feel any sort of self CONFIDENCE, self WORTH or self ESTEEM. But stop it, you can’t be so DUMB all life long. Life is calling, …. or you grow, NOW, or you stagn and die. That’s like anything in nature does on this Earth.

** publishing soon? fingers crossed **

When I first choose to write this website in English, I did it because it helps me to put a distance, and I am quite happy about this decision. I will also do some poetry reading, humbled, yet, thrilled cos I found this poet, in Great Britain, who’s been on a long journey and I will share his story with you, by his agreement. He’s been a 35 years long Army Aircops pilot, medically retired due to PTSD and today he is blessing his audience with outstanding words to share his feelings.

My first book was self published, as a memoir, in my first language. Thou its value is really personal. That journaling was incredibly my banister to hold me tight, when nothing else did. Since then, I hopefully did some progress with my writing skills; and, for sure, I will put all the references for the magic books I found and read, or half read, on the Path. So that you can get more information on Mental health, and eventually improve your Mind management.

Dunno what is your job, or where you were born and live today, if you come from Ego, Insecurity and Emotion you are more than Welcome into my World.

This has been my wasted land until recently, so I wish you all **Good luck, heros**

Keep as hard as a rock;)

Yours truely, Parisian Sparkle x

 

Social Media break and Mellow Yoga flow Time.

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Today was a very bad day for my social networks; I am retunring a smartphone which is disfunctioning, I can’t cope with finding a code to put Whatsapp active, on my older phone, dunno why I don’t have any connection on my other phone, I wanted to upgrade my WordPress to Premium, in order to change layout, but I noticed that in fact you have to pay as well, so I asked to cancel my payment, and my website went down, for couple of hours, finally Paypal rejected also another payment, which I never subscribed….

Well, I promise that I was exhausted and overwhelmed, with all this social stuff, but it was worth it … I could finally take a break !!!!!

I went outdoor for a walk, in nature, 19 degrees, is not bad, with tiny sunshine, and a few dogs on the way… of course Spotify wasn’t loading, so I disconnected, and reconnected to mindful walking. Aha moment 🙂

My work here is going to evolve and I want to put at first subjects like empathy, HSP, dark night of the soul, coping with ptsd….. I need to reorganize this buzz.

If I can get more pro, I will. In any case, this yoga lesson was exactly what I need, deep stretching, and breathing ……

Mystic Signs: Dawn of New Life?

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Before sharing next article, with courtesy of The Mystic.org,  I want to tell you of  a strange thing that happened to me, when I almost turned into madness, before my sick leave was due.

One afternoon, I was walking on the sidewalk, to the supermarket, when I found this watercolor on the hedge. Middle of nowhere. A long hair woman walking on the beach with a long summer dress, a hat on her hand, and a shell on her ear, her eyes closed. My Italian sister is quite a believer, and she told me that a shell in christian symbolism means “listen”.

Well, me too, I was in the middle of nowhere, playing the hamster wheel in my job, unhealthy relationships, far from my true, higher Self. No purpose at all. At the same time, feathers came on my way. Any kind of feathers, just anywhere …. and I did a research, to debunk the code of what was the meaning behind it. Have a guess. Well, what the fuck is this reality? Is it a joke? Lila, as indians say, the “big Game”.

Where do these signs come from? Which level of vibration? Is My Counsciousness trying to tell me there is more than what we think? What I think….

Isn’t being anxious a strong demand of deep faith? Are we not asking to the Great, Invisible Mystery to manifest in our life just to comfort us, and show us that this spiritual and physical pain is useful, somehow?

For the end of the story, at that present moment I didn’t have my smart phone yet, and no chance to take a picture of that watercolor, that I didn’t want to touch, as if it was sacred. Then, when I came back, from my shopping, the painting was gone.

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Here in this dark night, the lifelong ego sense dies: impotent. Having fulfilled its part, now weak and incompetent, it is dissolved — transmuted. From a higher sense now awakening within you, you slough off your false sense of self. You now know yourself to be a different person than you thought you were. Your ego was merely experiencing some of the attributes, some of the qualities, of your true nature, while at the same time obstructing others.

You, in passing successfully through the dark night, enter the realms of higher consciousness. You’ve been cleansed of the most deep-rooted sickness: your ignorance of your true nature and your inadequate, often totally wrong opinion of who you are. You now cease your inner conflict and abide serenely in your true nature. The night is over. The dawn of a new life in higher consciousness transforms your bleak life of the past few months into one with a heavenly nature. You have been delivered of the intolerable bondage to ego.

Henceforth, you will walk the earth seeing others afresh, living a new life, and abiding in your true nature. You have become a son or daughter of higher consciousness. Now your words and actions will be attuned with your true self. Now you express inspiration and comfort.

The dark night has passed. It is over.

What must the caterpillar do that it may one day fly?

Change vs Comfort Zone. Anxiety The Bitch says it better.

Anyone going through change in their lives? Since I am following a job career requalification, for the same company, I am invited to change service quite often, and I admit it becomes stressful.

Anxiety is eating my nails, and torturing my hair, …. blood burst, and infections warn my body that something is happening now, and I can’t find a way out.

Tomorrow I will work on my italian CV… and “good luck”.

Change. Maybe one of the most dreaded words for individuals of the anxious variety. When you’ve been holding feelings and emotions to yourself for so long, you learn ways to repress your sadness with distractions, and the occasional breakdown. The problem is, we become more and more comfortable within our surroundings through familiarity alone. Through […]

via The fear of change.. — Anxiety The Bitch

Giving up vs Surrender.

Here are some of the most emotional movies I have ever seen on the TV screen. Stephen King strikes. Despite I feel ashamed not to have read all of his best of. And despite my welsh airman friend would laugh at me, and say swear words in Italian against me, because to him King is just an amateur of horror. He’s more into Lovercraft.

At 16 years old, not only I have started penpalling, but I subscribed all kind of no profit associations which helped to recomfort prisoners. One was Italian, a fan of comics, blond and cute, I can’t remember why he was inmate, lost contact quite soon; I feared he was released and stalk me. Then, this man from Pennsylvania, math teacher, whose sentence was quite heavy, but tried to engage in social life of the correctional system, and wrote a book. He called me Sioux Princess, and wrote to me very long and inspiring letters. Now, this other american teacher, who will spend 23 years in jail, no kidding. Except this last one reached me by International Pen Friends, a friendship association, based in Australia. People who love snail mail are more than welcome. Yes, it still exists.

Where does this empathy for prisoners come from? Perhaps, I finally got it. Do you believe in karma? If so, check your twelve house. I recently found out that Saturn, in my chart, is in the 12th house and means alot of things. It explains me my connection with prisons, hospitals, rehab and monasteries. Spiritual practice and yoga discipline. Dealing with loneliness despite of aloneness. It all started somewhere, and somehow …

Overcoming Confusion and fear of being nothing or nobody; the lure of escaping through drugs, alcohol or a life of fantasy; sense of spiritual isolation; resistance to letting go of trappings of identity.

Encouragement Releasing the temporal for the eternal; a spiritual practice; strong sense of deep service; direct engagement with spirit.

A big theme here is taking responsibility (Saturn) for your own spiritual direction. And in the Twelfth House, the lessons are about the art of surrender.

In her book, Intuitive Astrology, Elizabeth Rose Campbell writes, “One of the biggest challenges of the twelfth house, ruled by Pisces and the planet Neptune, is understanding the difference between giving up and surrendering. Giving up is an abandonment of one’s center and capacity to respond. With that abandonment comes a loss of instinct. To surrender to a circumstance, even a difficult one, is a different dance entirely. You must retain self love and self respect through the surrender.”

Btw, freedom is one of my greatest goal and achievement in this lifetime. You can bet it.

John Coffey: “I’m tired, Boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as sparrow in the rain. I’m tired of never having a buddy to be with, to tell me where we’re going to, coming from or why. Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other”.

Ellis Boy “Red” Redding: I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I? don’t wanna know. I would like to think they were singing about some thing was so beautiful it cant be expressed in words and make your heart ache because of it.I tell you this voice soared higher and farther than anybody in a Gray place dares to dream it is like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away. For the briefest moment every last man in Shawshank felt free.

 

Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Good Morning you all,

in my last days off work, I ‘ve decided to wake up, cosy and lazy, totally no hurry, and take a breakfast in bed.  Weather is still cold and snowy out there. Not only in France, but also in Italy, Wales and Canada. Wherever I have peers and friends, it’s white …

Don’t you find snow zen like?  It compells people to go slower, be careful on the way you march in, the shoes you choose, the way you drive. Being aware of what usually you are not taking the time to. Like breathing. Can you just take a moment to deeply breath the fresh air and just stare all around? And feel grateful to own a cosy apart where to cocoon in weekend days? or in the evening before sleeping?

When you feel alone, think of whom are outside, struggling with tough conditions and go and take a warm shower. It is divine.

I’ll suggest a good dessert or smooth, spicy hot wine, if it stays reasonable, and you are ok with your body, and watch one of these long lasting cult movies, that you will certainly hire with a license in a rental shop, …  or listen to this fab cello duo from Croatia, which I find absolutely CRAZY and AMAZING. You won’t think to classical music the same than before.

Enjoy your day.