Tonight my nerves are broken. It was my first lock down day. Yesterday I spent half a day in supermarkets. My pc was broken too. Before Corona I was getting positive and had this plan for the future. I wanted my book to spread word to mouth and find a way to self finance my self and go back to Italy. Today, I dunno, I feel like I will move to Italy as soon as I can. No matter what.

My family lives near Rimini, they are three at home locked down. My dad is 81 and still fantastic.

Except when he gets nervous, but I dunno how in tough times he can give his best. He overcame a cancer to throat, chemio and radio thérapies, he lost all his teeth, he spent almost a year without going out from home; in small villages like my hometown, in Adria Coast, men use to reunite in bars to play cards, tell stories, read newspapers and Watch soccer matches on television.

It’s a sad time.

This song was a song that my first fiancé used to sing to me when he put me to sleep. We were just 16, btw I am turning 46 this Week.

His voice was very similar. Today he is married with two children, and still my family’s neighbour.

We spent three years and a half together. He reminded of my father so much, perhaps it was one of reasons that we split.

Well, I was too Young. And indipendent. I still thought I could wait and get enough time for having kids. I Don’t regret that. I wouldn’t have been a good mother. I was too hysterical to care for babies. I honestly think I would have thrown them in the bin. Or put in a wash machine.

I hate thinking that every Morning from now on I will wake up with fear to catch this virus or the fact that I have to self certificate my walks in the woods. In the same time, I know that my life until now was almost locked down ….. after 2015 Paris terror attacks I have been shocked and I can count three or four times my visits to the Capital, except my training classes for work. Public transportations are claustrophobic, and I can’t cope with it. I hate taking métros. I need sedative.

Oh, I imagine you were expecting hope words from my post, tonight.

Nope, tonight I have a love song, if you Don’t mind. And some teenage souvenirs which I will keep tight in my mind before I go to sleep.

Bonne nuit tout le monde.

Take care xx

Antonella Barberini

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