While three quarters of the world are celebrating the Victory of Uncle Joe, which gives new hope to human kindness, like only Obama campaign could do, I pay my tribute to Bataclan attacks one week before. I have learnt these days that there is a 131st survivor, who was recognized as PTSD victim, in 2017. His limit was not to be able to face it on his own, and thou he was seeing a therapist, he took his life on 18th November 2017.

Accepting to be traumatized is not simple. The first time that I heard the word “traumatisée” was one year and a half later than the unexpected events. I did not know much about PTSD. I did not consider that PTSD could apply to civilians or other than combat veterans and sexual assaults. I had the first symptoms like panic attack, hypervigilance and anxiety/anger outburst/sleep burnout months later. As I refer in the episode #2 The Joke, there was no tragedy; to be frank, in my head, that event was not relevant. What if I would have been caught, then, in that other event of 13th November? Would I be here speaking?   

In addition, I am including an article about Sidney Aiello, a 19-y-o girl, who survived the school shooting in march 2019. A couple of survivors couldn’t make it through their haunting memories. After reading the statistiques about the rise of mass shootings, and how Texas rose his laws in favour of gun possession, I invite the new President to take into serious matter the gun safety in schools and his Traumatic States of America.

You gave me a reason to fight

Let me explain this quote, it is not addressed to enemies or jidaist; in fact, who are responsible it is not very much important. Yes, you gave me a reason to fight… not against enemies outside me, but demons within. In the past 5 years I failed loosing my job, and in fact, I did. In 2016, I was labeled as unfit to my position, that meant GAME OVER with any jobs in tourism, or career, and any direct contact to public. And this because of my PTSD. I finally changed service, a couple of times, only to be exploited by the new service, because I had to gain the priviledge to find the lost stability. You gave me a reason to fight when my manager told me that she could not support me, when I had a chance to be approved, after signing 5 times, because, in her eyes, I was not trustworthy, and she feared that I could let her down again.

Burnout 2.0 was not in the agenda.

So, in order to get stronger, both mentally and physically, I practiced yoga everyday after work in 2017, because stress levels were too high for me. I couldn’t fall again. I also started shaving my head, to show my psychological suffering, but also badass attitude, like monks, or fools. It worked, they took me for a fool, or a lesbian, or both. Franch ladies can be very mean (yes, I will keep written Franch!). I live in a posh region where in fact people get bills so high for their homes that they move every two years. They are so proud of their 35 hours per week that they need two jobs to leave on holidays twice a year or you are a looser. It’s true, their values are questionable. I keep living on my terms. But before I could change a lifestyle, because of destructive schedules, as independent woman, I had to go through a diagnosis, a sick leave, dozen of interviews with evil Human Resources, and occupational Medicine, doctors, nurses, and Union Counselors, and 9 months of partial time, which I spent writing waiting for the right moment. Now I understand once more why my mentor, a philosopher, my doctor, the one who saved me, and taught me HOW to defend myself, kept his interest high in my creativity. He knew the potential, he knew the medicine power of words.

Survival was my hope, massive success my revenge.

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